Me Again

Oh man. I haven't posted in such a long time. My life has just been so disorganized and up in the air. So much has happened that I can hardly even get my thoughts in order. And this is particularly difficult for me being a perfectionist.
I've been trying to develop some sort of online business for myself for the pass few years. But it seems that when I have my plan down and am ready to get going something happens to put me off track from my Internet endeavors into something I had no plan for at all. A little over six years ago I started trying to build my own web presence but had a set back when I had found I had breast cancer. So I took time to do what I had to do to get through that situation. Then just when I thought I was ready to get myself together and move forward with my Internet Entrepreneur idea, my youngest son was injured in a work related accident. Which has had surgery after surgery over the pass three and a half years. Now as his physical therapy is winding down to a close and I was ever so ready to do my thing something else has raisin to try to distract me from my goal. But I refuse to let this interfere this time. I have so many ideas and I know that I can profit from them given the proper time and effort.
What is this new thing that is planning on trying to still my time from me? Cancer. Yes, my breast cancer has returned. I just happen to be one of those few rare people who even though I took extensive steps above and beyond what I needed or was required to do to prevent the cancer from coming back have a recurrence. I'm not ready for this nor do I want to go through this; but what choice(s) do I have? Anyway I'm going to try to use my down time (chemotherapy and radiation means many days spent at the hospital or at home) when I'm not feeling to ill, to devote to working on my web world. I have purchased myself a voice recorder, digital camera, camcorder, and a few other gadgets so I can try and work on my web sites when ever, where ever I can.
I may do a lot of venting here about my cancer and my treatment. But the main focus of this blog is to somehow keep me centered. I'm not sure how far progressed my cancer is. I'm still doing testing. I don't feel to ill. Just fatigue easily. But I keep telling everyone I'm not dying. I'm just sick. I just have a chronic illness that will have to be closely monitored and maintained for the rest of my life. And I have no plans of leaving this planet anyways soon.

Non Conformity

Non conformist. That's what I am. Wikipedia defines conformity as:

• Conformity is a process by which people's beliefs or behaviors are influenced by others within a group. People can be influenced via subtle, even unconscious processes, or by direct and overt peer pressure. Conformity can have either good or bad effects on people, from driving safely on the correct side of the road, to harmful drug or alcohol abuse.
  Conformity is a group behavior. Numerous factors, such as group size, unanimity, cohesion, status, prior commitment and public opinion all help to determine the level of conformity an individual will reflect towards his or her group. Conformity influences the formation and maintenance of social norms

Why do I say I am a non conformist? Because I do not subscribe to many beliefs that most people hold. For example this holiday season. Yes I celebrate Thanksgiving. Not because it has anything to do with the pilgrims or even tradition. But because I believe it is a way to bring family together and to be thankful for each other.

However I do not celebrate Christmas. My choice not to celebrate this holiday has nothing to do with religious beliefs. My spouse is offended that I do not wish to celebrate this holiday (and many others). I explained to him that as a non conformist I question why and what for. As a child I questioned why do people celebrate Christmas and what are the reasons for Christmas? I researched Xmas and its origins. I decided when I was quite young that this was not something that I wanted to subscribe to. Yes my parents celebrated Xmas. and I suppose that their parents, grandparents, great grandparents and so on and so forth celebrated this holiday also. My brothers celebrate it. So does my sister. I don't think my sons do. But they were raised in a household where Xmas was not celebrated. However if as adults my sons want to celebrate this holiday that is their choice and I will hold begrudge them. We all must choose what works best for ourselves.

I have not celebrated this holiday as an adult. It just isn't for me. No it has nothing to do with religious beliefs either. Nor do I subscribe to religion. Yes I believe in God or some greater force in the universe. But I do not and cannot except the restrictions that religion places on how one believes and worships. And whose to say what religion is right. To me they all point to the same force only in different ways. Plus their are many groups of people that do not celebrate this holiday either. For some it has to do with their particular set of religious beliefs. For others it is also a matter of personal choice.

It is not only holidays that I do not conform to. I do not say "Bless You" when someone sneezes. nor do I shake hands (lots of germs being passed here).

I am happy with the choices I make in my beliefs. No one should conform just for the sake of conforming. Do not conform because others expect you to. Don't be afraid to step outside the box. Find what is comfortable for you. If others are offended than let them be. I do. I will not conform because you think I should or just to make you feel comfortable.

Me Time

I need me time. Everyone needs "me" time. What is "me" time you ask? "Me" time is time to yourself without any outside disturbances or influences. Quiet solitude. Time alone so I can think, plan, organize. Time so I can relax or stress my brain in ways that I wish.
I can take a long bubble bath without anyone knocking on the bathroom door. I can play my video games without someone calling my name to break my concentration. I can read a book without having to answer the phone. I can listen to the music or watch the television programs I want to. "Me" time.
I don't think most people take much or any "me" time. Always running this place and that place. This deadline to meet. And that meeting to go to. Going, going, going until time to get home and then still going. Shower, cook dinner. If you have small or any kids at home it's kid time. Then you have to get everything ready for the next day. You go until you must fall into bed to sleep. And well sleep is not "me" time.
I believe that some people are afraid to be alone with themselves. They are afraid of the quiet. They are afraid to hear themselves think. They're afraid of what their own minds may have to tell them about themselves. They just simply have not and/or do not know what to do with valuable "me" time. I wish these people could give me their unwanted "me" time. I would gladly take it. I can think of so much I could do with this extra "me" time.
I don't think "me" time is selfish. Although we all need to be a little bit selfish . We can't always put other people or things ahead of yourself. We must care for ourselves so as we may be able to give our best to others.
I guess my "me" time this morning is over. I'm being paged. Got to go. Hey get yourself some "me" time today. Even if it's just five minutes. Sit in a quiet spot and think only of yourself and your plans.

Don't Fear the Change

I would like to expound more on the topic tigga76 posted yesterday. Change. Change denotes the transition that occurs between one state to another. Charge is a force. Change can also be a choice. We all must go through many so call changes in life in order to grow.
My brother and his wife of sixteen years just recently broke up. My brother was wondering what he could do to repair their relationship. As a outsider looking in I told my brother that his wife has made a decision to go on with her life without him. I told him not to fear the change. Because fearing the change was not going to change the situation. Here, in this case, change was a force for my brother but a choice for my soon to be ex sister-in-law.
As for myself. Almost five years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I was faced with some pretty heavy choices concerning my treatment or non-treatment. Again change was a force in this decision. But I also was allowed to make some choices for the changes that were to come.
Today I am a five year survivor. However I am soon to face that impostor "fear" again. The medication that I have been taking so faithfully everyday for the pass five years will soon come to a end. I don't know what the next step in my treatment will be. I'm going to feel strange not taking those little white pills any more. They gave me a certain amount of comfort. Knowing that the medication is in my system fighting off any new and killing off any old cancer cells. So I fear the change. But I will not and can not let fear make choices for me.
Or when my hair first started turning grey. That was a change I have no control over. Others would ask me why don't I dye my hair? My reply "Why should I". The dye will eventually wash or grow out and the grey hair will once again assert itself. So I just accepted the change.
Our parents and grandparents lived in a different world. Same planet (almost), different world. Change has brought about a different world than they grew up in. Many older people fear the changes that has come with the technological advances in this day. Many grew up in a age when they thought the idea of a television (and we're talking black & white TV) was impossible in their minds. Now look at where change has taken the television.
The world is a very different place than I grew up in. And it has even changed more doing the life time of my sons who are in the twenties now. Who knows what the world will be like when my grand children are adults.
Change is important. We all need change. It is not possible to grow without change. I mean what would the world be without change. Would we have evolved into the humans we are today? Can you imagine not having computers or the Internet, HD television or cellphones? All because of change do we now have these devices.
Change has two faces. It can be good as well as bad. It can be a force or a choice. It is what you do with that change when it comes to you that matters. Change is inevitable. So don't fear the change.

Brrrrrrr. It's getting cold outside. I hate the cold with a passion. I live in the mid west so it gets pretty cold. I heard the news lady announce on the news last night that there are 44 days until winter officially starts. To me winter started the first day it was to cold to leave my plants outside any more.
I always tell everybody that I was born in the south in the summer. In the "dog" days of summer. August. And I love the heat. For myself I rather be taking off clothes than putting on more.
I just am not a winter person. I often wish that I could do like the bears do and hibernate. Well not exactly like the bears. I don't want to sleep all those months away (Or do I?). However I would love to be able to stay in my house from the first snow until late April, early May. I would not want to have to leave my home for anything. I would have all the food, water and whatever else I require to take me through the winter. Or not. I mean I do have the Internet. I could always order whatever I need online and then it would be delivered directly to my door. Hmm. Maybe. Just maybe it would be possible for me to hibernate.
Reality? No. There are things and places that still must be done in person. Things and places that I cannot access on the Internet. Like I must take my car and get it prepared for winter. I need to go and get my flu shot. I got to go to the drug store and pick up my prescriptions, (they do not deliver).
I wonder If I could have a clear Plexiglas (not glass, glass could be broken to easily) dome made to cover my house. You know like the snow globes. MMMMMMMMMMM.

I Hate Crabs

I hate crabs. No not the steamed variety. I love Steamed Crabs. Mmmmmmmmm yumm. Or not the parasitic insect kind that you refered to as crab lice, also called body lice. Wouldn't want to ever have them. Ok so what other type of crabs are there? While there are many kinds of crabs I am going to speak on one very special variety. People.
People? Crabs? Can't see the connection? Well I call people crabs who don't want to see you advance, move forward, become sucessful. Why do I call them crabs? Well if you have ever been crabbing than you may understand. For those of you who have never been crabbing let me expound a little. After you catch the crabs you place them in a bucket. Now if you look into this bucket you will see the crabs "fighting" to get out. They are climbing all over each other. When one gets to the top and sees that he maybe able to escape this imprisonment. Another crab will grab onto him and pull him back down into the bucket.
So it is with people and life. There are people who just can't stand to see someone be more successful than they are. Anytime they think you may be on your way to obtaining your goals and aspirations these people will try with all their might to interfere somehow. These are the people who don't want to, know how to, or have the vision to be more or do more than what they sre currently doing. Nor do they want you or anyone else to do or be more than you currently are. So everytime you reach that summit in your plan, these people will see fit to find a way to try and destroy or alter your path. They want to pull you back down to where they are. I don't know why these people are like this or what reasons they have for not wanting others to move forward in life. Maybe these people have no goals or asprirations of their own. Maybe they are afraid that once you become sucessful you will forget about them (Well, yes, some of them I will love to forget ever exsisted.). Or maybe they are afraid of change.
You have to be aware of crabs. See them for what they are. Don't let these people keep pulling you back down into the bucket. When you you get close enough to the lip of the bucket. Quick latch on and haul yourself out of the bucket. Now you're back on the ground. But this is not the place to stop. Continue on with your plan. You still must get to the water. Beware of other obstacles in your way. But now you can take a short breather. You are out of the bucket. You have left the crabs behind. Beware! Crabs are everywhere.

Consistency

Consistence. That is what I have not been in writing this blog. I really intend to blog everyday. I do try. I do get up in time to blog every morning. And I'm not making any excuses for my not blogging. Some mornings when I get up I come straight to my computer to start working and my mind just goes blank. Oh yea, sure, when I first get up so many things are whirling around in my head. From fragments of dreams left over to what my schedule is going to be for the day.

Then lets add into the mix a mate who needs or wants something from you. Now I am away from my computer doing household chores, running errands here and there. By the time I'm done with all that my mind is so distracted that I can now not blog because I can't concentrate or focus for fear that as soon as I get absorbed into what I am suppose to be doing. Should be doing. Need to be doing. Someone or something else will come along to distract me.

Now you may say but this blog is the five-o-five. Aren't you suppose to blog when you first arise in the morning? Well yes. Can I actually blog at that time of the morning? Yes. And no. As I said before so many thoughts are bombarding me that I don't know what to blog. And like the creator of this blogging community I would like to blog what's on my mind first thing in the morning. I do not want to use some prewritten entry. No, because when I first decided to join this community I was the only one in my house getting up at five-0-clock in the morning. So I had quiet time to myself. Now my mate has ajusted his scheduel to get up at the same time I do. The distractions begin. My quiet time gone.

I am not going to make any promises. I do see the benfits of blogging first thing in the morning. So I will try harder to be more consistenced in my blogging every morning. Even if I just say hello to another morning that I rise. No excuses.